Saturday, 1 October 2011

How to get back on the dating horse :OS

About a month after the split, I got it in my head that I was going to convince Jamie (aka the ex) that I was over him.  What better way to do this, than getting back out there and go on a DATE.  As scary as that sounded to me I thought that if I could just make it through one date, I could prove to him (really me) that I could move on and forget about him as easily as he had forgotten about me.  Looking back at it now, I was trying to convince my self that he hadn't hurt me as bad as he did and I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of having that kind of control to be able crush me like that.

So me being me, with something to prove I was determined to go on a date.  The only problem with this was that I hadn't been on a date in 14 long years. I wasn't sure I knew how to date.  Hell I wasn't even sure I knew how to flirt anymore. Even if I somehow figured out to flirt, how in the world was I suppose to meet someone.  Trying to find a guy to go a date quickly went from a simple idea to prove something to myself to a whole research project.  The more I thought about it the more questions I had.  At the time it wasn’t about finding someone to spend time or have fun with.  I was looking for more of a quick couple hour date, so I could say “see you didn’t really hurt me that much, I’m already over you.” 

My big focus for a couple of weeks was the best way to meet a guy.  I racked my brain for options such as do I approach someone in a grocery store, or make an unneeded trip to a laundry matt.  What about clubs, do girls still meet guys there (I haven’t been clubbing in years).  Should I take my dog to the park and search for single looking guys?  I quickly realized that all of my ideas involved meeting people in person.  Today will all of our technology it seems like people are moving away from personal contact and rely on texting, and emailing to communicate.  With this in mind I thought that trying to meet someone the "old fashion way" may come off as a little crazy or desperate.  I was at a loss, so I went looking for information from ladies who were more experienced in the dating scene of today.  I started really listening to other single ladies in the office about where and how they were and weren’t meeting guys.  At this point no one at my workplace knew I was single, so I couldn’t come out and ask for advice.  I just became much more interested in how their private life was going.  I couldn’t even believe what I learned…….

ONLINE DATING!  They all have gone on blind dates with guys them met online.  I had heard of it before, but never paid any attention to it.  Listening to them, did not bring me any closer to my goal of one simply date, it only brought about more question.  What was a good online dating site?  Should I have an account with several dating sites, or just focus on one?  What do you say about yourself in your profile?  Does posting a picture get a better response?  If so what kind of picture?  Do I contact potential guys, or do I wait for them to contact me?  What are things I should be looking for in their profile?  What questions should I ask them to make sure they aren’t a creep, serial killer, or just an all around crazy guy?  How much contact should there be before you set up a date?  The questions kept coming.  What if I was actually asked out, where is a good first date place?  What should you do on a first date?  If there is food involved is there something that you should never order on a first date?  There was just no end to the questions spinning around in my head.

A couple of weeks later my head was still spinning with questions.  Maybe it was a full moon, or maybe it was the wine I was sipping on.  What ever the reason, I bit the bullet that night and created a profile for myself on the POF dating site.  Not long after I posted my profile I began receiving messages.  I got very excited to see that several guys at least thought I was interesting enough to send me a message.  As I started reading those first messages, my excitement disappeared as fast as it came.   I saw that the majority of the guys were a lot lot younger than me and have never had a relationship last longer than a year.  I know I know, I said I wasn’t looking for a “real” date, so why wouldn’t any of those guys do?  While I wasn’t ready to put myself out there and have a “real” date, I at least wanted someone who I could have a conversion with, someone who is at the same place in their life as I was.  Yes I know your thinking “just can please her” but really what would I talk about with someone who I didn’t have any common interest or similar life experiences with.  Anyways, these types of messages and many other weird and unusual ones kept coming in.  That was until I got a message from a guy who was around my age, had a stable non site job (that was a bonus in my mind), liked similar things as I did and even looked pretty good.  After several messages he asked if we could go out for a drinks to meet one another in person.  It must have been another full moon or something because I got brave and said yes.  We arranged to meet at a local quite restaurant/bar the next day.  You have to understand that I am not a very outgoing person when it comes to blind dates and such.  I am usually very stressed and will find a way out of it.  However, this time I was very excited.  I think this was because after a couple of months I was about to finally achieve my goal of a simple date and be done with it.  For me this was still about achieving my goal, not actually meeting someone.

Having that goal and not focusing on the fact I might actually meet someone nice was probably my downfall.  The next day I got all ready and meet him right on time.  He had a small bouquet of tulips for me, which was very nice.  He got up and shook my hand like you would at a job interview.  This was ok to me, as I had no idea how to greet him (just another question in my head).  We than sat down and ordered drinks.   FYI if you are not sure what to order or the word "drinks" wasn't defined for you before hand, let the other person order first.  I was under the impression that we were out for “drinks” and so I ordered a Singapore sling.  He on the other hand ordered just 7 up.  After the fact he told me that he doesn’t drink.  So I barley drank any of mine, thinking I was making my self appear as a slush.  We sat there and he talked for about two hours.  During the date I was expecting there to be a lot of questions back and forth to get to know one another.  However, while I did ask questions (when he actually gave me the chance), he kept changing the subject back to his experience with online dating.  He also didn’t ask me ANY questions at all.  I felt a little like his therapist, as it was very one sided.  He actually told me about all the girls he had met on line and detailed accounts of what each of the dates were like.  After two hours of these stories I used the reason that I had to get up early the next morning, to end it there.  Again I had no idea how to end a date or what to say.  It ended with a quite hug and him asking if we could do it again sometime.  Again I didn’t know what to say, so I said that the next couple of weeks were busy, but to contact me after that.  I was already sure that I wasn’t interested in hearing any more stories.

My first encounter with online dating left a big question in my mind “Why?”  Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t the worst date I’ve ever been on, but it was on that end of the scale.  So why is online dating so popular?  Are real actual solid relationships formed online?  Why read all those profiles and messages hoping you can find someone, when in reality you guys may not be anything close to a match?  Why have people moved away from personal contacted and opted to sit behind a compute to look for love?  The whole experience left me with even more questions :Os   

After that date, I didn’t check that profile/inbox for several months.  I did however, feel like i achieved my goal of making it though a date.  No it didn't make me feel much better, but at least I was one hurdle closer to maybe figuring out where I wanted my future as a single person in Fort McMurray to go.  

You will have to come back and continue to read to find out if I found balls enough to try another blind date.



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