Generally I am a person who keeps my "wall" up around new people. I am usually the quite one trying to figure everyone out. But once I know people I am for sure the loudest in the room. I also don’t let a lot of random people into my life, but again once I trust someone I do let my guard down and fully let them in. Although after the year I have had my wall is probably a layer or two thicker. I know I know I shouldn’t punish people for the actions of others. But it is really hard to throw caution to the wind and say "come on in to my life." We are all creatures of habit and my habit it to protect my self from getting hurt in any way, shape or form.
Keeping my guard up has for the most part worked out pretty ok for me. I don’t get taken advantage of very easily, the people I do let into my life are loyal to me and I am very loyal to them. I feel like not only can they lean on me, but I can also lean on them. However, I very seldom lean on others. I am just too stubborn to ask for help. I do recognize that this is actually a weakness and not a strength of mine and hope that maybe one day I will be able to improve on it. After all the first step is to recognize there is problem :O)
My wall allows me to feel safe and more importantly in control. However, sometimes I do wonder what I might be missing out on the other side. Over the last little while I have been casually dating this guy Jim. When I met Jim he said he didn’t want a relationship of any sort. He is one of those guys who never wants to get married or settle down. This was perfect for me, as a relationship is the very last thing I want. I am just looking for a guy to hang out and have some fun with. We eat tones of pizza, drink lots of milkshakes and watch way too many movies. It is exactly what I want. While I am very relaxed around him, I do still keep that wall firmly placed between us. I have never told him anything too personal and I have never asked him over to my place. I didn’t think he would care or even notice the very large wall I had kept between us. That is until a couple of weeks ago when he asked me why I have never invited him over. It kinda took me off guard, as I had never been asked this before and honestly I didn’t think guys paid attention to things like that, especially guys who weren’t looking for any type of relationship. I asked him if it bothered him and he said no he was just curious (my gut was telling me it was a little more than curiosity). He said he though that I might have a secret like I was a hoarder, married or something weird like that. Clearly I was successful in keeping him away from my personal side if he thought that I could be a hoarder or even married.
As with everything, this got the wheels turning in my head. I know I tend to over analysis things, but I just can’t help it. I started thinking what if he was a little more interested in me than I had originally thought. Or maybe his interest has grown, I’m not sure but either way I have not invited him into the personal side of my life and he had taken a notice to it. Now what do I do? Do I just beat that wall down and tell him to come on in or do I just drill a couple little holes so he can take a little peak? I knew I was for sure not ready to lose control and take away my security blanket, and I wasn’t even sure I was ready to give him a peak. Not wanting to lose my buddy I was honest and told him I had a rough year and it had made me a little more guarded. ~Hello!! A LITTLE more, more like a lot more guarded.~ But I couldn’t say that to him. While I was honest with him, I didn’t want him to see that whole side of me. That would have been much more than a peak on the other side.
Relationships are confusing enough, but to my surprise non-relationships are just as confusing. I didn’t think Jim wanted a relationship and if he didn’t than why would he take notice to my large wall. Am I the first girl he has dated that has been truthful when saying "I didn’t want a relationship?" Does he want his cake and eat it too (the benefits of a relationship, but not the commitment)? Maybe it’s me who wants the cake and eat it too (the benefits of a relationship, but not the attachment). Or do I just appear a little more interesting, as he can’t figure it all out as quick as other girls? No I am NOT trying to be interesting or mysterious, I am just keeping my self protected and in one piece. Of course the more I thought about this the more things popped into my head. I wondered if my wall has kept out more than just hurt, is there another part of dating that I could be enjoying if I just let him or others in a little more. Clearly he knows I am not letting him in, so what if there is a side to him that he isn’t sharing with me because of my wall. I mean really why would he fully let his guard down if he knows I won’t do the same for him. That wouldn’t be very fare and understandable so. With this in mind I am still not sure I want to take the chance to find out though. I know the best things in life come from taking chances, but really do I want to put myself out there for more hurt and pain, when I can live a happy little life behind my wall. Yes it maybe a little on the lonely on this side from time to time, but I am in one piece and ok most days.
I did tell him that I would bite the bullet and invite him over one day. That day hasn’t come yet, but it will :O)